There are a few things you have to get used to when your
husband/significant other returns from deployment:
1. His Junk Everywhere
“I know you don’t like me to ‘work’
while we’re having ‘us time,’” he said. Now, what in all of the hells does that
mean? There is a ginormous difference between tackling some ridonkulous lawn project
(ummm, pictures of my disaster of a front yard to come….later…when someone else
promises to fix it) and simply picking up your luggage, yo. I just wanna walk without stubbing my toe and
cursing everything I’ve ever cared about.
2.
Toilet Seats Up/Urine All Over The Place
Okay, I’ve never been bothered by a
toilet seat up. First of all, it’s just
not that much effort to put it down, and I haven’t fallen in in the middle of
the night, so I’m not enraged just yet. With
that being said, I do like to think it’s possible to urinate without
splashing everywhere on earth. It used
to be when I needed to clean the bathroom, there were obvious rings around the toilet
bowl saying, “Hey, G, it’s time.” Now,
there’s a terrifying residue of…something…that is screaming my name and begging
to be scrubbed. Well, joke’s on you,
pee-stains, I’m as stubborn as they come.
3.
Dishes/Eating Habits
Did you know that if you live with
someone else, they expect to eat, too?
Also, did you know that they will not accept cereal and Ramen noodles as
an acceptable dinner? Well, I should
probably give you and your digestive system a heads up: all those Healthy
Choice meals you’ve been downing for months in order to have a flat stummy and
tight butt for your guy are gonna be worthless once he comes home demanding
Publix fried chicken and carbs by the ton.
Also, once there’s more than just you eating, there are more dishes to
wash. Will whomever eating’s off of them
offer to wash the aforementioned dishes?
No. Do they care that you just
got your nails done on behalf of their return?
No, not at all.
4.
Showers
What’s that? You enjoyed your shower by yourself, taking
your time and washing your hair with the water temperature just right for your hair
type? Well, no, that’s not happening
anymore. Oh, and you only shaved once
every four months? But how am I gonna
seductively rub on your legs when they’re prickly and it’s 11:00 at night and
you’ve been asleep for 4 hours because you’re on your own internal schedule
that works perfectly for you? Yeah, so
the showers are crowded and – while the potential for fun is certainly there –
something’s just falling a bit short.
5.
The Bed….oh, girl, The Bed.
I love sleeping. I love it so much, it’s stupid. When I’m asleep, I know that I’m missing a
huge part of my day and could be doing so much more. But, whatever, I love sleep and I’m not
sorry. For 6 months, I was sleeping by
myself, except for my snuggly puppy and kitty.
But then those 6 months flew by, and suddenly there was someone else in
my bed, acting like he owned the place. My husband. He was stealing my pillow and my covers,
telling me he was hot at the temperature I was completely comfortable with, and
sweating his way over to my side. I
mean, this dude dared to roll over to my side without snuggling me in
some fashion! Even Meatwad and Nanner
didn’t make that rookie mistake. Moral of the story is, this dude is all up in
my grill every night and it is some kinda miserable.
6.
How Much I Missed Him
Okay, okay, okay…even though I know
I can get a little hateful, and even though I tell him he can head back on
deployment any old time he wants to, I have to admit that I missed him like
crazy. I wouldn’t trade the
feast-dinners and sweaty nights together for a single night I spent alone. (For now, anyway…talk to me in a few
months.) Sitting on the couch watching
TV is so much more fun when you have someone to share your stupid anecdotes
with than watching it on your own. And
even when I crave SunChips and pistachios for dinner, he pulls through with a
better idea. Now if I could just teach
him to enjoy a good glass (or 8) of wine like I do………
3 pairs of contacts, tubes of toothpaste, bottles of saline,
and packs of toilet paper.
1 pack of sandwich bags and trash bags
500+ miles on the treadmill and bike
2 trips to West Virginia
1 trip to Haiti
126 novels read
10 panic attacks
4 packs of Meatwad’s bones
5 care packages
9 seasons of Seinfeld
10 seasons of M*A*S*H
1 new pair of running shoes
27 times taking out the trash
1 half-marathon!
1 new toilet (finally!)
4 new friends
118 school days
6 packs of birth control
5 cases of tea bags
2 hair cuts
3 house deep-cleanings
8 lawn mows
6 months
27 weeks
182 days
4,382 hours
262,974 minutes
And it’s finally almost over!
