Full Disclosure...

I have been having panic attacks.
Whew, that feels better.  Starting 2 weeks ago, I have been having God-awful panic attacks, almost every day.  I think there are a lot of different factors to blame, but I think that holding this information in and not telling anyone really exacerbates the whole ordeal.  So...thanks for letting me vent.
I try my absolute damnedest to be perfect, and I feel like I do a pretty good job of giving the appearance to others that I really have my life together.  But I'm so hard on myself and get so goal-oriented that I often overlook the amount of stress I am capable of placing on myself.  Case in point: I told myself I would run 100 miles in January, and I've been beating myself up over missing a single day.  At school I have things planned so far in advance that I have too much time to just sit with my own crazy self.  I've ended up losing weight and feeling so distant from everything that it's time I stop worrying about appearances and actually get my life together.  My "okay, this is getting ridiculous" moment was when I found myself in the middle of 3rd period, teaching whilst laying on the air conditioner.  As hilarious as that truly was in retrospect, it's time to get things figured out.
So I'm going to start taking better care of myself.  I'm limiting my workouts and eating healthier--and more.  KLove has a 30-day challenge where you try to listen to nothing but Christian music, and I'm taking part in it; so far I really have seen a difference.  But I'm not naive, either.  I know that depression and anxiety is something that runs in my family, so I'll be visiting a doctor next week to make sure everything checks out.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get a ginormous weight off of my shoulders.  If you have a minute and think of it, say a prayer for me, and I'll return the favor whenever you need me.

Goals

I've never been one for New Year's Resolutions.  First of all, it's simply too much pressure, and secondly, I know myself and know that I won't keep it.  So I know that I need something different to motivate myself, and I know that I need a lot of motivation because I have some big things coming up very soon in 2013.

2012 sucked for me.  And for the longest time, I just assumed it was a cursed year; after all, the Facebook consensus seems to be that 2012 was lame for a lot of people.  Then I really started to think about it, and I realize that 2012 didn't suck -- I sucked in 2012.  I made some dumb decisions.  I chose the easy way out a lot, I gave into laziness, and I generally wasn't the best person I could be.  And that's a damn shame, because I really have a lot to offer (excuse me while I toot my own horn here).  

So, 2013 is not going to suck, because I am not going to suck in 2013.  Instead of basing my improvement upon flimsy, cliche resolutions, I'm basing my goals on passages from the Bible that, for whatever reason, have been in my mind lately.

Goal #1: Run, Run, Run!
Isaiah 40:31--But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
This has always been a favorite passage of mine, and I always used it as motivation during punishment runs during softball.  This year, I've signed up for a half-marathon and a 15k, so I need to push myself to train and run and run and run like crazy!  

Goal #2: Show Travis how much he means to me every day
Ruth 1:16-17--"...Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay.  Your people will become my people and your God my God.  Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried.  May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."
I am so thankful to have Travis as a husband, and I need to do a better job of expressing that.  I am guilty of letting my bad days at school dictate my moods at home, and I sometimes feel resentment that I have to be away from my family and friends because of the demands of the Navy.  But he is completely worth it, and I need to make it a priority to always express my love for him, even when it isn't easy.

Goal #3: Volunteer whenever possible, however I can
Matthew 25:40--..."I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
This verse has been heavy on my heart lately.  I want to learn to love Jacksonville by helping out those in need in any way I can.  I've already started volunteering at the food bank and various soup kitchens and city missions, and I can't wait to find other ways to get involved.

Goal #4: Find a church, attend regularly, and join a small group
Hebrews 10:25--Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another
I'm so stuck on my home church in WV that I've really dragged my feet on finding one to attend in Jacksonville.  But no more!  I've already started my search, and I'm going to take my time in finding one that is a good fit for me.  

So, there you have it.  Not too lofty, pretty easily done, and hopefully I'll find that I'm already well on my way to getting started by next month.  Next time you talk to me, do me a favor and ask me about one of my goals.  Hold me accountable, and if you see me slip up, call me out on it.  

Thanks :o)

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation

I had a pretty amazing time at home and baked my butt off at Sweet and Sassy.  I'm looking forward to the day I can move home and just bake for the rest of my life.  I also got to see Nalson's pregnant self, which is just awesome.  Played games,hung out with the fam, ran a cash register (!), Meatwad pooped all over the house, ate my weight in oatmeal cookies, and--oh yeah!--finished my visit with the flu.

And then I came home, bought a new coffee pot (since I broke the last one), and this happened:

Days Without Coffee-Related Incident: 33 0

Going back to school was rough, but luckily my students kept it interesting by dropping their pills all over my classroom.  Turns out it was Viagra, so I mean...you tell me.  It just reinforces the fact that I could absolutely not make it as a high schooler these days.  Never a dull moment.

Someone Come Get This Bug For Me

I've officially had my first crisis while on my own.  There I was, innocently Skype-ing with Travis, when what should I see out of the corner of my eye but HONESTLY THE BIGGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.  The little jerk was just crawling his way across my living room like he owned the place, and of course the dogs and cat are oblivious to the terrifying situation and are egging the thing on.

I couldn't bring myself to kill it, so I smashed it with a 15-lb kettle bell.  He wasn't impressed, and just rolled over instead of being squished like he was supposed to.  So I took advantage of the situation, snapped a picture of the monster, and tried to squish him again.

I'll be damned if I'm going to pick him up off the floor, so there he's gonna stay for the next 6 months.  I at least had the decency to put the kettle bell back on top of him.    But seriously...someone come get this bug for me.

I Tried Yoga for the First Time and Totally Farted, Y’all.

Well, really, the title says it all.  But I'll elaborate, so the depths of my mortification can be made apparent:

This evening, I decided to try my first yoga session.  After a lengthy conversation with "Alyson" (who informed me that the y "makes all the difference!" whatever the hell that means) about what class would be best for me, I decided to disregard her suggestion and start with the basics.  After all, I worked out once a long time ago and I’m still sore.

So, there I was, yoga-ing like a champ—sun salutationing, downward-facing dogging, and warrior posing up a storm.  After about an hour we took a break, getting into child’s pose.  As I leaned back, there it was…the toot heard ‘round the YogaDen. 

I was paralyzed with terror.  I couldn’t believe my body betrayed me like that, after all of the good things I’ve been doing for it recently (more on my fruit fixation and hatred of work out DVDs tomorrow).  So I just decided to stay in child’s pose for the full 5-minute break, giggling to myself.  I did take a peek at the woman beside me, and you would’ve thought I just kicked a kitten.  But whatever, she had a wedgie the entire time and her side-boob was out of control, so I may have lost the battle but I definitely won the war.

The instructor was so kind about it; she off-handedly mentioned something about yoga being great for releasing the body’s toxins, and even gave me a pat on the back later to prove to everyone I’m not a leper.  I just had some bubbleguts.  Overall, I think that yoga is definitely for me—I felt more relaxed than I have in a long time, and it took my mind off of my self-imposed stresses and worries.  The others in the class were welcoming and kind, even after I ruined their chi with a fart.  I’m trying to break out of my comfort zone, so even if I’m referred to as “Torlone the Tooter” for the rest of my time at the YogaDen, I’ll be going back tomorrow…and the next day. 

I just might make sure and take some Beano :o/

Well Hi There!

Anyone who’s ever met me would probably not say that I am a “patient” person.  I come from a big family—not so much in quantity (although there are 4 of us sisties) as in quality.  We are a big presence: ours is the house where people seemed to naturally congregate, someone was always in some state of crisis, and the kitchen table was always, always cluttered with various projects in various states of completion. 

So for me, being in a house all by my onesie while my husband is on deployment is completely out of my element.  Yes, my dogs and cat make quite a ruckus, but the constant interaction that I’ve been programmed to want and need my entire life is distinctly absent. 

Hence, this blog.  I have 6 months to myself, and I am bound and determined to do everything in my power to stave off boredom.  Throughout the upcoming weeks, I am taking myself completely out of my element to try new things—everything from volunteering to yoga to running a half-marathon—and I want some sort of documentation so that one day, when I find myself home alone yet again, I can look back and realize that I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined.